Parenting is definitely one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, but it does bring with it some very unique challenges. One of those being around navigating the, at times, very big emotions of our children. This can be especially true for young people with Special Educational Needs (SEND), who may experience heightened emotions such as anxiety, frustration, sadness, or sensory overwhelm. Our children then express and share these feelings and emotions in different, sometimes tricky, ways.
As their close parent, carer or family member, you will be your child’s safe space. They will look to you and want your support in those moments of really high emotions. The support you give them in at these times makes a huge difference as they learn how to calm and regulate. While there is no one size fits all approach, there are different strategies you can try. They may help guide you both through the challenging, emotional moments when emotions feel very big, with as much calm, connection and confidence as possible.
Below, we share 10 suggestions that might help and support:
1. Understand the Roots of Big Emotions
Before diving into strategies, it is really important that we recognise why big emotions might feel particularly overwhelming. This could be for a number of reasons. Taking a step back to really ask ‘why’ and understand can help us decide on the best way to support. Sometimes a few factors combine together to create one big emotion, for example:
- Sensory sensitivities: Children with autism, ADHD, or sensory processing difficulties may become dysregulated when environments are too noisy, bright, or unpredictable.
- Communication differences: If children are struggling to express their needs verbally, it can create frustration and a big emotional moment.
- Transitions and change: Many children find it hard to move between activities, finish a preferred activity or handle unexpected changes in routine.
- Emotional regulation: Some children may have differences in their impulse control, self-soothing and ability to self-regulate – so they need a bit more time and support..
Seeing behaviour as communication is important. Rather than just focussing on the behaviour we are seeing in that moment, take a bit of time to think, ‘What are they trying to tell me that they need or are finding difficult right now?’
2. Safe and Predictable
A sense of safety is the foundation for being able to emotionally regulate. Children with SEND often thrive when they know what to expect and feel secure in their surroundings. Wherever possible, which I know can be hard, try to make their lives as safe, predictable and consistent as possible. You could:
- Use visual schedules: Visual timetables or picture charts can help children understand the flow of the day.
- Checklists for independence: Use tools such as checklists, so that children can be as independent as possible and we can reduce some of the adult demands/requests through the day.
- Prepare for changes: Give warnings when they need to transition activity or something will change, such as “five more minutes”. Talking through the events, upcoming changes and what to expect can also really help.
- Set up calming spaces: A cosy corner with soft toys, weighted blankets, or noise-cancelling headphones can provide a safe space to go when things are a bit overwhelming.
- Establish routines: Predictable daily routines reduce anxiety and give children structure to their day.
3. Teach Them About Their Emotions
Children will find it hard to calm and regulate emotions that they don’t fully understand. When we name and recognise their feelings for them, we can start to build their understanding of what they feel and how to help.
- Label emotions in the moment: Use the ‘I see you’ approach and try to label what you think they are feeling, for example “I see you’re feeling frustrated because your tower fell down.”
- Use visuals: Emotion cards or colour zones can help children point to what they feel when finding the words to use might be hard.
- Support with a strategy for that emotion: Children need to feel understood. We can label and acknowledge the emotion, “I can see that you are angry and that it is ok to feel angry”. Then try to offer them a way to support them with that emotion, for example “would a cuddle, some time alone or going outside help you right now.”
- Model your own emotions: Share how you feel throughout the day as well, for example “I am finding this hard so I am getting a bit frustrated, I might need some help.” This makes children see that we all have emotions and we can start to ask for help with them too.
- Storytelling, books and puppets: Characters in stories can be a great way for children to connect with characters who face similar challenges. You might read books on certain topics or use puppets to explore strategies or different scenarios.
4. Practice Regulation Strategies Together
We all, including children, need a toolkit of calming strategies we can use when we experience big emotions. Children with SEND often benefit from learning them in a very concrete, practical way.
We all have to find something that works for us, you could try experimenting with:
- Breathing exercises: Blow bubbles, pretend to blow out birthday candles, or use a spinning windmill to practise slow breathing.
- Movement breaks: Dancing, stretching, or jumping on a trampoline can help to release extra energy.
- Sensory tools: Finding the right sensory input can help using things such as fidget toys, playdough, or weighted lap pads.
- Grounding activities: Encourage noticing five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, and so on.
The key is practising these strategies during calm moments so they become familiar and have them at hand when they are needed.
5. Stay Calm and Regulated Yourself
One of the hardest parts of parenting is managing our own emotions when our child’s feelings are intense. Children, especially those with SEND, often tune into our state and ‘borrow’ from our calm. This is why when we are having a tricky day, we often see it in our children too, and vice versa.
- Pause before reacting: A few deep breaths from us to calm can help us to respond more calmly and hopefully stop escalation.
- Match their energy calmly: There is research that shows if we match their energy of emotion and then slowly guide them to calm it can really help. For example, using a calm voice we can match their energy of frustration and then slowly help them soothe. After all, there is nothing more frustrating than when we are upset or cross about something, someone telling us we shouldn’t be.
- If you need to, step away briefly, if safe: Sometimes, a short break helps you to find your calm before you can help them.
- Look after yourself: Your wellbeing is not a luxury, it is a necessity for you being ready and able to help your child.
Remember, you don’t need to be perfectly calm every time. Repairing afterwards (“I got frustrated earlier and I got cross, I am sorry, I still love you and we can try again”) models resilience and shows that even adults have to practise and can get it wrong sometimes.
6. Balance Structure with Flexibility
Structure gives children a sense of security, but too much rigidity can backfire, especially when emotions are high. Aim for a balance:
- Have a plan but allow for breaks: For example the plan may be to complete homework, but if that becomes overwhelming, you might swap it for reading a book together that day. It is still learning, but in the area they are ready for.
- Offer choices: Where you know there is a task/activity you need to complete, for example having a bath, offer a choice which ultimately leads to the same end result. For example, ‘bubbles or no bubbles today?’ Giving some control over what will be happening can sometimes help to reduce some resistance.
- Build in downtime: Children with additional needs may need more rest and recovery between busy or stimulating activities. Plan for this, so you don’t feel rushed and overwhelmed when that time is needed.
- Get creative: When you know there is a particular trigger, for example maybe bath time always feels like a battle, try and plan some fun things around the requests like ‘bath time tickets’ for specific timings. This can help to make it feel different, increase excitement for it and balance structure with enjoyment.
7. Use Positive Reinforcement and Connection
Big emotions often lead to challenging behaviours. Children’s behaviour is a way for them to try and let you know they are finding something overwhelming or difficult. Most children’s behaviour is connection-seeking rather than attention-seeking.
- Catch the positives: Notice and praise even the smallest of steps, for example “I saw you took a deep breath when you were upset—that was great!”.
- Prioritise one on one time: Regular moments of fun and connection can help children’s need for connection.
- Show unconditional acceptance: Remind your child that all feelings are always okay. We all feel different emotions, and it is how we choose to show them and work through them that we need to consider, for example “It is ok to feel angry, but it is not ok to hurt someone – so we need to find another way to manage when we feel angry”.
8. Collaborate Together
Children can feel more empowered when they are part of finding out the solution. Depending on their age and ability, involve them in finding ways that they like to be helped and supported.
- Ask what helps: Take some time, when they are calm, to ask them what helps, for example, “When you feel angry, would you like a hug or some space?” Modelling what you like can help them to try out strategies. Even from the youngest of age, we can start talking about what we prefer and need when we have big emotions.
- Make a “calm plan” together: Draw or write out steps they can try when upset. You could use visuals as prompts when they need. The more they practise at times of calm, they will be more likely to be able to draw on those strategies when they need.
- Celebrate small wins: After a time when they have had big emotions and been able to calm, review together what worked and praise their effort.
9. Seek Support Beyond the Home
Supporting a child with SEND can sometimes feel isolating. Reaching out for help and working as a ‘community’ to support your child is really important when you can.
- Work with schools/settings: Share what strategies help at home and ask about support they have at nursery or school.
- Speak to professionals: In some cases, if your child has other professionals within their network, you may want to reach out to them for more support, such as speech therapists, occupational therapists, and psychologists to offer tailored strategies.
- Join parent groups/local support groups: Every parent goes through unique, but similar challenges at times. Connecting with others in similar situations can give really valuable encouragement and ‘tried and tested’ ideas to maybe try at home as well. Have a look for local groups on social media, or the Local Offer page for the Local Authority may have more information.
10. Look after your big emotions
Perhaps the most important piece of all: remember that you are only human. Supporting a child with SEND through big emotions is really challenging at times. Some days will feel easier or harder than others, and that is normal. You will have big emotions as a parent too.
- Celebrate your efforts: Even if things didn’t go perfectly, your patience and love matter the most.
- Take breaks when possible: If you have a wider network of support, ask family, friends or other services for some time for you if possible. Even 15 minutes for a hot cup of coffee can help you to calm and regulate.
- We don’t have to ‘fix’: Children are going to feel this big emotions as they grow and we don’t always need to “fix” things so that they don’t. And experiencing these emotions is a learning journey too. We don’t always need to b able to stop or fix the moment, being present, loving, and willing to try again is enough.
Final Thoughts
Big emotions are a normal part of life, but for children with SEND, they can sometimes feel overwhelming, scary and exhausting, for both child and parent. But they are also opportunities for your child to learn resilience, learn about their emotions and for you to calm together.
As parents, we can help by being there, listening and helping your child to learn ways they can work through their big emotions. We can’t always ‘fix’ everything but we can help as best we can.
This article has been written by TTS in-house expert, Catherine Jewkes
Catherine is a former teacher, senior leader and qualified SENCo, having taught across many different year groups from Nursery to Year 6. She has also worked for a Local Authority leading and supporting a locality of over 70 mainstream and specialist settings from nurseries through to colleges, helping to develop and implement provision for their learners with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).
